Firstly, my heart aches imagining the internal pain you are currently experiencing. I’m sorry that you have begun to question the importance of your life. I’m sorry that life has become so painful that death appears more comforting than the present.
As I am the writer of this post, one would assume that I am the “knowledgeable other” therefore I can’t fully relate. This is far from the truth. Although I am not in a suicidal state, I have experienced what you are feeling. I can close my eyes and remember the instances where I was close to suicide and how alone and scared I felt. I know how it feels to stop yourself at the last minute and cry yourself to sleep. I know how it feels to feel overwhelmingly devastated, isolated and vulnerable- to have no one to share messy, unfiltered thoughts and feelings to. To be fearful of being deemed “too sensitive”, weak or an attention seeker. These fears can make you feel even more alone but equally more afraid of how you might hurt yourself if you are left alone.
I also know that sometimes you might drop a hint or show a sign because you want to be saved. You’re hiding but you want to be seen. Deep down you don’t want to die. You want to live and have a future. You still want the opportunity to make new friends, to have new experiences, to laugh again, to smile again and simply to breathe. You don’t want life to end- you want the situations in life that has made you feel incredibly low to end.
If no one tells you this, I’ll tell you- I don’t want you to take your life. Even though you might feel invisible and disposable, your life has SO much meaning, potential and purpose. There are 8 billion people in this world but there is no one else like you. You are valuable.
I know it seems so cliche mentioning God when it comes to this, but I can’t encourage you and not mention God. If it wasn’t for God, I would not be here writing this letter and encouraging you. God became real to me when I was at my lowest. He was the one who sat with me in my tears. He was the one who gave me strength to get up when I wanted to sleep all day. With tears I write this, when I felt alone- He was the only friend I had. I was honestly raw with Him and He was consistent. He helped me beautify my life and He can do the same for you.
I can’t explain why the things that led you to consider suicide has happened or is happening but what I do know is that there is a God that loves you. He desires to dwell with you even in your brokenness and His heart is for you. He desires to hold you in His arms and comfort you in His presence. His desire is to walk with you in the midst of the pain and to join you in the mess. He doesn’t and won’t shy away from it. If you let God in and you want change, He will meet you where you are.
To take your own life is a massive deal. Don’t cut your life short because of a current situation. I know you want a solution but this isn’t it. Let God and let people in. Not those who may have hurt and abused you but those (even if it’s just the one) who are for you.
I’ve posted Helplines below to organisations who want to encourage you and help you find that solution. If this is you, I want you to reach out to someone. Make a different choice. You can’t live life like this… this isn’t living, this is surviving. It is time for you to live.
Della
Helplines below
United Kingdom
Samaritans
UK: 116 123
Website: www.samaritans.org
Calm: 0800 585858 www.thecalmzone.net Campaign Against Living Miserably Help and support for young men aged 15-35 on issues which include depression and suicide.
HopeLine UK 0800 068 4141 www.papyrus-uk.org For practical advice on suicide prevention
Abroad
United States- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)
Global Suicide Helplines – Including specific African, European and Asian countries
